Mirror, Mirror...

So, I said I'd try to be better at getting back into blogging, and here I am...again.  So far so good. :)

Today is my last day at my temp job.  YAY!!  I've been working for a corporate office helping with HR for the past month.  And even though it has been very very boring, I feel blessed to have received this job when I did.  Times were getting hard for me with not performing, being away from Richard, not finding a job, savings were dwindling, and I wasn't hearing back about future ship contracts.  So, I was stressed and really getting down on myself.  Then, as life happens, I started getting everything that I needed.  When it rains, it really does pour.

First, I had auditioned for the show Tarzan at the Hale in West Valley and was blessed to get cast as Kala, Tarzan's gorilla mother.  And I kid you not, as soon as that happened, I started getting phone calls about interviews and the temp agencies were finally calling!  Then to top it off I was finally getting emails from casting with NCL Productions to go out on more ships.  I really feel lucky to have options in my life, but let me tell you, my heart definitely gets the best of me sometimes.  It really gets in the way because I always want to do what's best for everyone else and the situation's at hand.  But I really was in a pickle this time where I had to choose, and this time, I had to choose to better my situation.

Long story short, I had to turn down Tarzan and accept the ships I was being offered.  Times are tough out there and I need to be able to support myself financially and the ships are giving me that right now, as well as savings for my future.  Luckily, the theater understood my circumstances and have been nothing but lovely to me.

This next week I leave for the Jewel.  I'll be there for about 7 weeks and I'm excited to head back out to Alaska and Canada.  I'm mostly excited to be doing what I love again.  I know this may sound silly, but working this past month in an office just reconfirmed to me that I am NOT MEANT to sit down at a desk for hours.  I'm such a busy body and need to be doing things.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, but I now see why my mom told us kids all these years to make sure we do something we love in a career because it's something we'll be doing for years, so we might as well enjoy it.

But these next couple of contracts I plan on using them to better myself, more specifically my mind.  I've always had a problem with the way I look.  And it defintely doesn't help that I'm in a business where I am sometimes cast solely off of my appearance.  But it is something that I have dealt with for a long time.  I have always struggled with my body.  I've always been the tall one, the curvier one, and to be honest, it can get hard when you're the "big" one amongst the "small" ones.

Last night I finally had that moment where I have had enough.  Enough tears, enough judgement towards myself, enough comparing myself to others, just ENOUGH.  I've decided that it's time to take things into my own hands and start thinking more positive thoughts about myself.  I know it's going to be a tough road because my mind has had years of practice of belittling myself but I think I'm ready.  I know it'll be hard, but nothing ever comes easy, and that's something I'm prepared to deal with in this everlasting journey to happiness in life. :)

I guess I'm more or less writing this to hold myself accountable.  I know right now, that I am not where I want to be physically, but today in this moment I vow to myself that I am going to love the skin that I am in NOW...not a month from now, or even 3 months from now, TODAY!  I know what I need to do in order to get my body where I want it to be, but I think the bigger battle for me is believing in myself, and believing that I AM beautiful, hair done or not, make up or no make up, pimple or no pimple.  It's time to see myself the way others see me and BELIEVE it.

I've come in between a lot of my own happiness because of my self hatred, but I think I've had enough of that, so here I go.  I'm ready to look myself in the mirror and say, "hey beautiful, I love you!"

For those of you that may be going through the same thing, I encourage you to start loving yourself today as well.  Look in the mirror and say nice things about yourself until you believe it.  Love your smile, love that imperfectly perfect self the way others love you as YOU ARE.

Peace and Love,

Kandyce Marie

Let's Try This Again...

So, you're probably asking..."where have you been?"  OR, maybe you're just like me and are bad at this whole blogging thing :).  I don't know what happened, because I used to be so good at updating this thing.

Well...here I go again, starting yet another chapter in my life.  And whether people read this or not, I guess I really just want something to look back on to remember some of the good, and bad moments I have experienced in my life.

So, welcome back, and I hope you enjoy reading this blog as much as I enjoy writing in it.  There is a lot to catch up on, but for now I'll just start by saying that my last cruise contract was a really great one.  I had a lot of self discoveries, and even a lot of set backs, but I think at the end of it all I came out of that contract a better person.

It's a crazy thing thinking that at my age I've traveled many parts of the world.  I really am truly lucky to have had these experiences.  Who can say they've been to the Great Wall of China, or the Egyptian Pyrimaids, or even where Jesus walked in Jerusalem?  Maybe celebrities that have endless amounts of money...I don't know, but I am soo lucky to be in a profession where it allows me to travel the world while I do what I love to do and I think that's pretty dang special.

Traveling has really given me a new set of eyes to really cherish those around me and to really appreciate where I come from.  One day I'll go in more depth about my experiences traveling, but I guess it's pretty fitting that I'm writing this the eve of my wonderful country's Independence Day.

Speaking of all of this travel, I am actually heading back out to the ships here next week.  I'll be replacing a singer on the Jewel (where it all began for me on the ships) for about 7 weeks then have a short break then will head to Tampa to start rehearsals for the NCL Star.  I'm so excited because I get to share this next adventure with one of my partners in crime, Harpo!  It has been over a year since we last saw each other, but we have kept in touch and I just can't wait to experience these next 8 or 9 months with someone I call family.

But, I really can't wait to embark on this next journey.  I really am going to try to soak up every moment because as I have recently found out...again, life doesn't stop, and life has its own plans for us if we don't do something about it.

I'm really going to try to be better at this blogging thing again...so just bear with me, but to anyone reading this, I hope this finds you well and that you are geared up for a wonderful Fourth of July weekend!!!

Peace and Love!!

Kandyce Marie

What Happened?!

Not that I'm currently looking, but being newly single I'm finding some very interesting changes in the dating world.

1- Since when did people start asking people out through text messages and not even that...it's called "hanging out" these days.

2- There have always been these arbitrary rules that apply to "dating" like 'don't call for 3 days' after the first date, "don't call me, I'll call you"...ridiculous things like that. But now apparently if you send a guy/gal a text and say they take an hour to respond...apparently you now text them back double the time AFTER they text you...so in this case you wouldn't respond for 2 hours! Really?! WTH?! When did this happen, and when did dating or "hanging out" become wayyy more complicated than it was in the past?

3- I understand that we are in a texting world now...I get it, and I'll admit that I enjoy a good text like anybody else, but there's nothing like the instant gratification of a phone call. You get all the info/interaction you need in that phone call...as opposed to a text you may or may not get a response to. BUT during a phone call people don't just stop talking mid-conversation...but apparently this is common practice in the texting world. Not saying I'm not guilty of it sometimes, but I really try to communicate in a timely manner...and usually, I'd pick phone calls/face to face interaction over text messages any day.

4- Getting to know someone now happens more often through text messages or emailing on facebook...wah wah!! What happened to face to face interaction? Don't get me wrong...there are some people out there that you just don't want to really talk to in person...for example a bad date, or that annoying guy you're trying to avoid...lol...it happens, but again like I've said before there's nothing like getting to know someone in person or just spending time with those you care about. Sometimes for me it's a hassle to get there...like getting ready and actually getting to the destination, but 9 times out of 10 I usually have a really great time and end up really happy that I went out and laughed, and made new memories.

However, with all of this said...I don't have a huge dating record...for whatever reason, the guys said they were/are "intimidated" by me (what does that even mean??), or the guys ended up dating my friends lol. So maybe I don't know "proper" dating protocol. Well, I guess I'll be finding out more and more as I go through this journey called life. :)

But for those of you who are single, have you noticed the same things? And even my friends who are in relationships...what about you?

Peace and Love,

Kandyce Marie

New Chapter. New Beginnings!

Well it has been a while since I've last blogged. A lot has changed, and a lot has happened since I was an avid blogger. I don't even know if people really "blog" anymore. But, for those that do, welcome back to my world.

To start...as I have mentioned a lot has changed for me. Most of you now know that I am no longer married. If you didn't know...then yes, you have heard correct...I am divorced. Single.

I finally feel comfortable enough to say it out loud without feeling like I'm the worst person in the world.

There were and still are a lot of assumptions as to why and I'm not going to go into details online, but know that both James and I felt it was the best decision for us. I know for me, I really learned a lot and to those almost 7 years I will always be truly grateful to James for what I learned.

Going through divorce was and is hard. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was HARD. Besides the obvious of losing a partner...for me I struggled, and still do, with the words, and thoughts of others that know I'm no longer married. I cared and cared about what people thought of me:

Was it her fault?
What happened?
They're bad people for divorcing...
She didn't try hard enough...
Oh it had to have been her career in the arts...
Blah blah blah...

I've recently come to terms with the idea of..."why battle in my head something I have no control over?"

This has actually been a constant struggle that I've dealt with almost my entire life. You would think that after 28 years of life that you would have the concept of "don't care what others think" down. But I'm learning that it's not as easy as it sounds. I admire those that truly can put people's words aside and not let it effect them. It is something that I am truly learning every single day...which is hilarious to me that I am in the business of entertainment where I am judged and critiqued every time I step on a stage. :)

But just know, that I am doing well. I have leaned on a lot of my family and friends and am so grateful to them for their love and support. I too have lost friends due to assumptions or them thinking that because I'm divorced that I am now a "bad person." But you know what...that's ok. Those people are allowed to feel and think whatever they want, but I don't have to let it effect me.

For so long I've lived my life for other people due to being afraid of what they would think of me...and you know what...I'm not saying that it'll be easy and that it'll happen over night, but it's time to start living for me, for God, and for those that I love/love me in my life.

I really could go on and on about this, but I am happy to finally have my eyes open...and ever since my eyes have been opened sooo much good has entered my life.

In other news...I've been very blessed with the opportunity to travel parts of the world while doing what I love...performing. Performing has been a great healer for me, and continues to be a great healer. I truly am grateful to God for giving me the opportunities that I have had and continue to have, and that he has given me the gift of singing.

I have actually been offered another contract where I have been cast as a Production Cast Principal Singer. This time I'll be touring Europe. I leave in August for rehearsals and board the ship in Venice in September. :) I can't wait to see what these next 7 months have in store for me.

Peace and Love,

Kandyce Marie