Mirror, Mirror...

So, I said I'd try to be better at getting back into blogging, and here I am...again.  So far so good. :)

Today is my last day at my temp job.  YAY!!  I've been working for a corporate office helping with HR for the past month.  And even though it has been very very boring, I feel blessed to have received this job when I did.  Times were getting hard for me with not performing, being away from Richard, not finding a job, savings were dwindling, and I wasn't hearing back about future ship contracts.  So, I was stressed and really getting down on myself.  Then, as life happens, I started getting everything that I needed.  When it rains, it really does pour.

First, I had auditioned for the show Tarzan at the Hale in West Valley and was blessed to get cast as Kala, Tarzan's gorilla mother.  And I kid you not, as soon as that happened, I started getting phone calls about interviews and the temp agencies were finally calling!  Then to top it off I was finally getting emails from casting with NCL Productions to go out on more ships.  I really feel lucky to have options in my life, but let me tell you, my heart definitely gets the best of me sometimes.  It really gets in the way because I always want to do what's best for everyone else and the situation's at hand.  But I really was in a pickle this time where I had to choose, and this time, I had to choose to better my situation.

Long story short, I had to turn down Tarzan and accept the ships I was being offered.  Times are tough out there and I need to be able to support myself financially and the ships are giving me that right now, as well as savings for my future.  Luckily, the theater understood my circumstances and have been nothing but lovely to me.

This next week I leave for the Jewel.  I'll be there for about 7 weeks and I'm excited to head back out to Alaska and Canada.  I'm mostly excited to be doing what I love again.  I know this may sound silly, but working this past month in an office just reconfirmed to me that I am NOT MEANT to sit down at a desk for hours.  I'm such a busy body and need to be doing things.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful, but I now see why my mom told us kids all these years to make sure we do something we love in a career because it's something we'll be doing for years, so we might as well enjoy it.

But these next couple of contracts I plan on using them to better myself, more specifically my mind.  I've always had a problem with the way I look.  And it defintely doesn't help that I'm in a business where I am sometimes cast solely off of my appearance.  But it is something that I have dealt with for a long time.  I have always struggled with my body.  I've always been the tall one, the curvier one, and to be honest, it can get hard when you're the "big" one amongst the "small" ones.

Last night I finally had that moment where I have had enough.  Enough tears, enough judgement towards myself, enough comparing myself to others, just ENOUGH.  I've decided that it's time to take things into my own hands and start thinking more positive thoughts about myself.  I know it's going to be a tough road because my mind has had years of practice of belittling myself but I think I'm ready.  I know it'll be hard, but nothing ever comes easy, and that's something I'm prepared to deal with in this everlasting journey to happiness in life. :)

I guess I'm more or less writing this to hold myself accountable.  I know right now, that I am not where I want to be physically, but today in this moment I vow to myself that I am going to love the skin that I am in NOW...not a month from now, or even 3 months from now, TODAY!  I know what I need to do in order to get my body where I want it to be, but I think the bigger battle for me is believing in myself, and believing that I AM beautiful, hair done or not, make up or no make up, pimple or no pimple.  It's time to see myself the way others see me and BELIEVE it.

I've come in between a lot of my own happiness because of my self hatred, but I think I've had enough of that, so here I go.  I'm ready to look myself in the mirror and say, "hey beautiful, I love you!"

For those of you that may be going through the same thing, I encourage you to start loving yourself today as well.  Look in the mirror and say nice things about yourself until you believe it.  Love your smile, love that imperfectly perfect self the way others love you as YOU ARE.

Peace and Love,

Kandyce Marie